Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Best Buy: I want a Quiet Zone card.

I first started shopping at Best Buy maybe 10 or 15 years ago.  It was either them or Circuit City, and back then, Best Buy was the clear winner.  Why?  Because Circuit City's employees were always trying to sell me a service contract.  Shopping at Best Buy was relatively painless, so I became a regular customer there.

Fast forward to 2007 and everything has changed.  Circuit City is no longer even a viable alternative.  Based on the store here in Champaign, I'd say the chain has mostly flatlined.  I hope their stockholders signed some sort of a Do-Not-Resuscitate order.

So Best Buy is really the only choice I've got.  Unfortunately, Best Buy today is far, far more annoying than Circuit City ever was.  I regret that I ever complained about the teensy little hassle at Circuit City.

• No, I don't want 8 free issues of Sports Illustrated.  I've been asked this question dozens if not hundreds of times, and the answer has always been "no".
  
  
• No, I don't want to buy an extended warranty.  Ever.  If my new DVD player stops working in three years, I'll just buy a new one.  Really.
  
  
• No, I don't want a Best Buy credit card.  My current card works just fine, but I swear, if you ask me this question one more time I'm going to go get a credit card from Circuit City just so I can tick you off by using it whenever I shop here.

Once I got asked about the service contract THREE TIMES during the purchase of a single item.

In terms of not being pestered, walking through a Chevrolet dealership is safer than a trip to Best Buy.

I'll confess that I do have one of their Reward Zone cards.  Care to hear how I got it?  Glad you asked.  I was buying a DVD one day, preparing to tell them for the fifty thousandth time that I really don't want a Reward Zone card.  But this time the cashier deviated from the script.  She picked up a fresh new Reward Zone package and said, "I see you in here all the time.  You need one of these."  And suddenly I had a Reward Zone card, whether I wanted one or not.

I want the old Best Buy back.  I just want to buy DVDs and cordless phones and digital cameras without being asked any questions.  And I have a plan.

What I want is a Best Buy "Quiet Zone" card.  Instead of blue like the Reward Zone card, this one would be red.  I have no idea how my Reward Zone card works, but my Quiet Zone card would work like this:  Whenever a Best Buy employee sees it, they immediately shut up.  That's it.  All I have to do is wave my red card and suddenly every blue shirt in my vicinity will put a cork in it.  Don't even finish your sentence.  I am buying exactly what I came here to buy, and nothing else.

I'd love to assert that the Red Zone card should be free, but I suspect that selling the idea of pleasing customers to the Best Buy management would be like trying to sell air freshener to a fish.

The unfortunate truth is that I would be willing to pay for my Quiet Zone card.  I understand the realities of business.  I know that nothing really comes for free.  I know that the reason you people keep trying to give me magazines is that somebody is paying you to do it, so I am willing to pay you to stop.  Charge me an annual fee.  Or charge me a higher price every time I use my Quiet Zone card.  I don't care.  Just shut your pie hole.

Frankly, I think this idea is the best solution for everybody involved.  The only possible flaw in my plan is that someday a new Best Buy competitor will emerge.  They'll have a similar selection of products.  Their prices will be 3-5 percent higher, but they will never, ever try to sell me something I didn't come there to buy.  On the day that store opens in Champaign, I will make my last stop at Best Buy to say farewell.

But for now, please, please, sell me a Quiet Zone card.